Yesterday, a friend of mine twittered that she’d come across a question from a 14 year old who wants to have sex – and wondered what to say to her. Knowing my answer was going to be way more than 140 characters, I asked if I could broach the subject here, instead. Randi graciously agreed.

Now, a couple disclaimers – the question was asked anonymously on an advice site, so there’s some differences as to how I’d answer, vs talking to one of my own teenagers, but the gist of it remains the same. Also – you know me, my greatest sermon is to TALK TO YOUR KIDS, not to push abstinence. That said – what would I say to this 14 year old?

First, after praising them for taking the time to think through the decision, and ask advice because that shows signs of maturity – I’d ask the all important question: Why?

Why do they feel the need to have sex right now? Is it because all their friends say they’re doing it/have done it/will do it soon? Is it because they have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Is it because they WANT a boyfriend girlfriend? Do they feel said boyfriend/girlfriend will leave them if they don’t? Have they thought about the consequences, are they ready for an emotional bond, is this just a whim, or because they feel it’s something they need to do – and why do they have that need?

The important thing here, though I know you’ll want to pepper questions at them rapid-fire, just the way I typed them, is to let them talk to you, let them tell you the answers, and don’t judge them/fight against the answers when they come. You want your teens to be honest with you, which means you have to accept the answers they give. If they fear that their boyfriend/girlfriend will leave them, that relationship is doomed anyway. They won’t want to hear that – so make sure, make SURE they know you are not judging them. Sex is not a way to get/keep any relationship, and that’s an important point to get across to our teens.

We may not always remember – but we all had the same urges at the same age. It suddenly seemed like EVERYONE was having/talking about sex, the hormones were going wild, and that guy/girl in science class smelled REALLY good. Our bodies were suddenly in overdrive, and our mind didn’t quite keep up. Rational thought suddenly seemed the myth, and that feel good moment was within reach…

But as we learned, and as our teens will have to learn too, that feel good moment is just that – a moment. An important one, and one that they need to think about ahead of time and make sure they’re ready for the responsibility that comes with sex. That means open and frank talks about STDs, Pregnancy, Protection, and even date rape and violence.

If you come across this question anonymously, avoid the pitfalls of judging, and be open to let them ask more questions. Be honest in your replies, and ask the hard questions – they want to be responsible enough to have sex, then they need to be responsible enough to really examine why they want too. If they can’t? They’re not ready. Be open, be honest, be non-judgmental. Chances are if they are asking this anonymously, they fear their parents judging and reaction – so encourage them to be responsible, and to talk to their parents, too.

If your teen comes to you – congrats! You’ve done something RIGHT, so don’t blow it now. Relax, keep the lines of communication open, and answer their questions, and ask some of your own. Listen to the answers, don’t judge them even if everything in your being wants too. They know you’re there for them, so be there.

Then, in both cases, counsel them to get to a clinic stat for birth control options and further education. Immediately. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Go straight to condoms, aisle 5.

(Unless of course, you think you’ll need $200 worth of condoms, in which case MY AREN’T WE OPTIMISTIC!)