Archive for the ‘Ask PTB’ Category

Yesterday, a friend of mine twittered that she’d come across a question from a 14 year old who wants to have sex – and wondered what to say to her. Knowing my answer was going to be way more than 140 characters, I asked if I could broach the subject here, instead. Randi graciously agreed.

Now, a couple disclaimers – the question was asked anonymously on an advice site, so there’s some differences as to how I’d answer, vs talking to one of my own teenagers, but the gist of it remains the same. Also – you know me, my greatest sermon is to TALK TO YOUR KIDS, not to push abstinence. That said – what would I say to this 14 year old?

First, after praising them for taking the time to think through the decision, and ask advice because that shows signs of maturity – I’d ask the all important question: Why?

Why do they feel the need to have sex right now? Is it because all their friends say they’re doing it/have done it/will do it soon? Is it because they have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Is it because they WANT a boyfriend girlfriend? Do they feel said boyfriend/girlfriend will leave them if they don’t? Have they thought about the consequences, are they ready for an emotional bond, is this just a whim, or because they feel it’s something they need to do – and why do they have that need?

The important thing here, though I know you’ll want to pepper questions at them rapid-fire, just the way I typed them, is to let them talk to you, let them tell you the answers, and don’t judge them/fight against the answers when they come. You want your teens to be honest with you, which means you have to accept the answers they give. If they fear that their boyfriend/girlfriend will leave them, that relationship is doomed anyway. They won’t want to hear that – so make sure, make SURE they know you are not judging them. Sex is not a way to get/keep any relationship, and that’s an important point to get across to our teens.

We may not always remember – but we all had the same urges at the same age. It suddenly seemed like EVERYONE was having/talking about sex, the hormones were going wild, and that guy/girl in science class smelled REALLY good. Our bodies were suddenly in overdrive, and our mind didn’t quite keep up. Rational thought suddenly seemed the myth, and that feel good moment was within reach…

But as we learned, and as our teens will have to learn too, that feel good moment is just that – a moment. An important one, and one that they need to think about ahead of time and make sure they’re ready for the responsibility that comes with sex. That means open and frank talks about STDs, Pregnancy, Protection, and even date rape and violence.

If you come across this question anonymously, avoid the pitfalls of judging, and be open to let them ask more questions. Be honest in your replies, and ask the hard questions – they want to be responsible enough to have sex, then they need to be responsible enough to really examine why they want too. If they can’t? They’re not ready. Be open, be honest, be non-judgmental. Chances are if they are asking this anonymously, they fear their parents judging and reaction – so encourage them to be responsible, and to talk to their parents, too.

If your teen comes to you – congrats! You’ve done something RIGHT, so don’t blow it now. Relax, keep the lines of communication open, and answer their questions, and ask some of your own. Listen to the answers, don’t judge them even if everything in your being wants too. They know you’re there for them, so be there.

Then, in both cases, counsel them to get to a clinic stat for birth control options and further education. Immediately. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Go straight to condoms, aisle 5.

(Unless of course, you think you’ll need $200 worth of condoms, in which case MY AREN’T WE OPTIMISTIC!)

It’s time for another snark filled edition of Ask Parenting Teens Blog! Remember, you two can get your questions answered if you just click here! And while you’re clicking, don’t forget to hit the sweepstakes over there –> as well as sign up for this weeks PTB Week of Kindness give away right HERE. Whew! Now, on to the question!

Dear PTB:
My daughter is 15, and she’s just MEAN. Not to anyone else, though, just to ME. She has friends, she is nice to her siblings – both older, both boys – but she just smarts off to me time and time again! Like the other day, she wanted a pen, and I gave her one, but it was the wrong color and she wanted me to buy her a different one and I told her I had things to do and she said “like what, just STAND there?” and that was really hurtful! She never talks to anyone else this way! I take away her texting every time she says something rude but she won’t stop! All her friends think I’m a good mom, but not her! She gets good grades and is generally a good kid, she just hates me! What do I do?!
~Mama Hurts

Dear Mama,
Welcome to the world of Female Teenage Hell. Really, you can’t possibly be surprised, right? You are? Ok. Here we go.

You probably expected that your daughter would be easy, just as your sons were, right? It’s not gonna happen. A teenage girl is an entirely different animal. In fact, sometimes, we aren’t sure they’re even really human – they’re too screechy moody yellingly bullheaded and stubborn. They slam doors, stomp around, smart off, and nothing is good enough for them. They hate you, they know you hate them, and WHY IS EVERYONE ALWAYS PICKING ON ME GOOOOOOOOOOOOD LEMME ALOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE. (slam). Right? Right.

Now, I’m not saying its ok for her to be mean to you, but I do want you to stop and think this through a bit. To a teenage girl, EVERYTHING is high drama. The wrong color pen, a missing button, a speck of dust on a window she didn’t even clean herself. Hormones are crazy, her body and mind are struggling to adjust, and she’s searching for something she can control. She’s hoping it’ll be Mom. She’s learning it’s not that easy.

So while she’s learning to control her own reactions and actions, you need to teach her by example – and control your own. You take her texting away every time she says something you think is mean? Well, of COURSE she thinks you’re mean then! It’s her main form of breath – I mean, communication! And if yo do it every time, no matter the severity of the comment, etc, then it’s not really a matter of the punishment fitting the crime. Time to think of some other creative ways to get through to her – this one isn’t working.

When my kids were young (two of them girls) I knew the day would come when they’d say the phrase every parent swears they’ll never hear, but 99% of us do. The dreaded “I HATE YOU!” which is often followed by “You’re the worst mom EVER!” and the slam of a door. So, I decided ahead of time how I was going to handle it. Every time one of my kids said they hated me, I very calmly told them exactly this:

“That’s OK, I love you enough for the both of us.”

You see, even if they yell that they hate us, act like they do, push our buttons – they don’t really. There’s something going on that is bothering them, or they’re just trying to see how much they can push you, and where you draw the line. Another thing I’ve taught my kids is that the ONLY reactions they can control, is their own – and in remaining calm and simply saying the above in the face of their “hatred”, I prove that to them as well. I can’t control their feelings, and I don’t want too, either. I can, however, control how I react to them.

We’re a bunch of snarky folks around my house – if my daughter snarked “just stand there?” I’d say something along the line of “Why yes, I am quite fond of this spot. I think I’ll just STAND here all DAY. It’s my FAVORITE spot in the WHOLE HOUSE.” Just to see what she’d say. She’d probably flounce away and slam a door. Then I’d laugh. Because I am mean, heartless and cruel.

(And if she KEPT slamming the door, I’d remove it from the hinges. But that’s a different story.)

So bottom line is this: She doesn’t really hate you. She’s trying to push your buttons. She may even be upset because all her friends sing your praises, and she just doesn’t see you the same way because your HER mom and not THEIR mom. So it’s really very simple – don’t let her get to you. Remain calm, don’t take it personally, and remind her that you love her anyway. Try talking to her, without raising voices, without anyone else around to know you’re (GASP) talking, and see if there’s something else bothering her, too.

Remember, once upon a time, you were 15, and you hated your parents too.

You even said that her grades are good, she respectful to others, she has good friends, and is generally a very sweet and good girl. So talk to her, temper your own reactions, and see where that gets you. You might be surprised.

It’s Sunday! We’ve made it a week of posting EVERY SINGLE DAY! I know you’re excited too, right? (…hello? Is this thing on? Anybody here? Bueller?!) So today, I thought I’d open up the mailbag, and see what question popped up first. Remember, you can ask PTB for snarky answers to you’re teenager woes too! Just click right here (or hit the Ask PTB link at the top of the page!) and we’ll get our snark on!

Today’s Question:
My teenager thinks I’m made of money! He goes to school, sleeps, doesn’t help around the house and expects me to hand him cash every time he needs something! I can’t afford this – should I make him get a job?
– Frustrated (and broke!) Mom.

Well, first off, FM – have you tried to make him do anything yet? Because in my experience, teenagers don’t “make” well. I tried to make mine get out of bed before noon on a weekend once! I tried everything! Have you seen that commercial where the mom simply uses windex to clean the windows and the extra sunlight got her kids up? Yeah. NEVER HAPPENS.

But that’s beside the point. A job! There’s a lot of different opinions on the job issue, a lot of factors go into deciding if a teen should work or not, and how much if he does get a job. Here are some things to consider:

1. Social life: Does he have one? Does he want one? Who pays for it if he does?

2. School: Is he a good student? Can he keep up his grades if you add work into the mix? Is the job he’s seeking flexible enough with his schedule so that he can keep his grades up?

3. Sports: Does he have time for the above, plus sports if he’s into that, and is his job flexible enough for a sports schedule?

4. Money: Here’s the tricky part. Can you afford to pay for his car, gas, activities, etc? Does he get an allowance to pay for those, and is there a limit on ‘extras’ he can ask for? Have you discussed finances with him? Why the hell not?

I know that money is often a far more dirty word than ’sex’ or ‘drugs’ when it comes time to talk to you’re teenager, but if you don’t train him in good financial habits now, you are only doing your child a disservice. Whether you encourage him to get a job or not, teaching him budgeting is a must, so that he learns the value of saving for something he really wants, because that’s what happens in the real world.

If you and your teen make the decision that he needs a job, then there will be quite a bit of adjusting for the both of you. All I can really say is what’s worked for us – and also what I ALWAYS say: TALK TO YOUR TEEN.

Yeah, you know I was gonna say it, didn’t ya?

Around here the rule is:
Want to drive? Get a job and pay for your own gas/insurance. I can’t afford it.
Want a car? See above.

I relax a lot about them doing things around the house if they’re working, especially as The Boy works so many hours. He’s rocking a 40+ hour work week, plus school. He does have Work Release, so gets out of school early, and often uses that time to nap, but it’s still pretty hard on him. But he bought his own truck, handles his insurance, and has plenty of cash left over to do whatever he wants. (It usually involves sharp and pointy things. Boys!)

I don’t ask him to pay any bills aside from his insurance. His job, his money. He works as hard as he wants to get what he wants, and that’s ok with me. Time will come all too soon when he has to support himself.

Bottom line is this: Talk to you teen, and see what their goals are. Then work together to find a solution.