Archive for the ‘Behavior’ Category

So, remember back when I told you of the PTA live induction of their new leaders that would be held online? I didn’t make it myself, but the ever lovely Julie dropped us a note to thank those that did! And, if you – like me – didn’t make it to the live event, you can view it for the next three months by clicking here. Enjoy – and thanks Julie for letting us know!

In other news, Candice, who is lovely as well, dropped me a note on behalf of PATS (Parents Attitude Tracking Study) and the Partnership for a Drug-Free America. They recently conducted a survey to see how Dads are doing in helping their kids in the fight against Drug and Alcohol use. The data collected, reveals that dads tend to take a much more passive role than mom’s when it comes to those kinds of talks, which could mean their missing a valuable opportunity to hep teach their kids.

It seems that Father’s were 3x more likely to believe the teaching about drug and alcohol use and abuse should happen in school, and report having a greater difficulty reconciling the desire to have their child see them as a friend, rather than setting the rules – though the majority of parents believe a friendship with their kids is important too.

If you’re having problems talking to you kids about drugs/alcohol, then check out drugfree.org, and read through their helpful hints to get the conversation flowing. As with everyone else around here – my stand is exactly the same: TALK TO YOUR KIDS. You might find them a lot smarter than you think.

In that same line of TALKING TO YOU KIDS, Nana recently send me a copy of the newsletter she receives at work. My mom works with the local womens shelter, and also facilitates a batterers education group for those who have such classes mandated by the courts. Yeah, I know, she’s pretty freakin awesome, ain’t she? Anyway, the subject of this newsletter is respect.

When I’m out and about, something that drives me NUTS, is when a child is disrespectful, and the parent stands there and says “I don’t know WHERE s/he gets it!” and less then 2 seconds later, said parent is extremely disrespectful themselves. Respect is a LEARNED BEHAVIOR folks, and if they don’t see it at home, they sure as hell won’t practice it out in the world.

This leads into discussions about dating and violence. Parents say their kids aren’t getting the message, and I say it’s time for the parents to TALK MORE and get it out there. If you’re having problems getting those conversations started, giverespect.org has several tips for you, so that you can get your kids to realize what exactly a healthy relationship is. Be sure and check it out!

And hey – have a conversation with your Teen today, will ya? You’ve got no excuses now!

PS: Interested in things affecting your Teen’s health and well-being? Check out Ann Engelland’s blog and get some information straight from the doctor’s mouth, so to speak. hee.

Got your attention there, didn’t I?

Good Morning America got the same reaction recently as they showed a segment talking about that and young girls passing out sexual favors like candy for gifts or money, and sliding into the realm or prostitution etc. Oh, and the “prettiest girls from the most successful families are the most at risk.” Naturally, it’s shock journalism at it’s best, but that isn’t to say that it’s not happening – otherwise there wouldn’t have been a story at all.

While many of the parents who watched this are now flipping out in shock all over the internets, I think the most telling part of this story is to read the comments that have been left on over at ABC.com. In between all of the Bible Thumpers blaming the devil and the general “Godless Living In America” and flailing about in a moral panic, are some interesting comments from those who are still teens, and who remember their teenage years without viewing them through parental outrage.

Some of the comments that jumped out at me were the parents that admitted to a lot of free lovin in the 60s, others who point out that the age group of the story included 18-19 year olds as “teens” and those “teens” are actually adults, and some of them are even married, and participating in sexual activities with their spouse.

But the most telling is one of the girls who was featured in the segment itself – and she denied doing anything for money, but doing it because she wanted too. And most important thing brought up is the fact that parents don’t talk to their teens about sex!

Say it with me now – ya’ll know my mantra here at PTB: TALK TO YOUR KIDS!

Look, it’s simple. It’s not rocket science. We were all teenagers once, and sex is not something dirty to be swept under the rug. Curiosity is normal, and shoving abstinence down a teenagers throat while ignoring everything else is going to make it a “forbidden fruit” and if you remember ANYTHING about being a teenager – that fruit tastes sweetest.

You want your kids to make smart choices? Then give them the information and tools they nee to have to do so. Don’t sit on the couch with your jaw dropped and shock written all over your face when you hear what’s going on. This has nothing to do with bible thumping, nothing to do with a godless America, nothing to do with a lack of morals. It has everything to do with human sexuality, puberty, and the joy of sex.

So don’t make it into what it’s not. Get up off your high horse and TALK TO YOUR KIDS. Give them the information they need. Be honest about your own experiences because if you’re preaching ‘virgin at marriage’ you damn well had better kept it in your pants until you walked down the aisle. Look your kid straight in the eyes and admit that you lost your virginity while a teen – or not. It wasn’t the best experience – or it rocked your socks off. Be honest about if you were ready or not, and how you felt emotionally about waiting or not. Let them know that oral sex is still sex (after all, it says it in the name!) and talk to them about petting, making out, oral sex, sexual intercourse and how each made you feel from an emotional point of view. Were you ready? Were you scared? Were you pressured? Did you stand firm and wait? How did it make you FEEL emotionally?

Moms, talk to your SONS about how a girl feels.
Dads, talk to your DAUGHTERS about how a boy thinks.

Be HONEST.

Your kids aren’t stupid. Stop treating them like they are.

You probably can’t tell, but I spent many years attending Christian Private Schools. We’re talking of the “memorizing complete chapters of the Bible, Southern Baptist” type school. I know, I’m the picture of purity now, so you likely figured that out, right? Right.

Some rules of the school for the girls:
– We were not allowed to wear pants on the school grounds.
– Shirt collars could not be lower than two fingers below the collar bone.
– Skirts had to touch the floor when you knelt – cover the knees.
– No sleeveless shirts, ever.
– No shorts – that whole “below the knee” thing dictated that we wear culottes, which made us laugh because when we fell in basketball, they showed more than shorts ever would have. These were also ONLY for Gym. All other times it was skirts/dresses/uniforms.
– Our hair was to be long. At the SHORTEST it had to cover the nape of the neck, though they frowned on anything shorter than shoulder length.
– No heels higher than two inches.

Some rules for the boys:
– Hair must be SHORT. It could not touch the tops of the ears, or the back of the collar.
– Shirt and tie and slacks. No jeans, no shorts, etc.
– Shorts for gym, but they had to be no shorter than a handwidth above the knee.
– Nothing sleeveless.

Yes, those are a little uneven, but after all the Woman is to be demure and perfect and pure for the man. They taught us that in many a manners/Bible class.

Some general rules, and rules for couples:
– No Dancing.
– No Rock Music.
– No Holding Hands.
– There must be at least 6 inches between you at ALL times.

During assemblies – every single morning, and Chapel on Wednesdays – The girls and boys were separated, so that there would be no temptations as we learned chapter after chapter of the bible in its entirety. Women were to be pure. Men were to respect women. There would be no TOUCHING, EVER.

Now sure – outside of the school grounds, I was a jean wearing, boy crazy tomboy – who held hands and kissed sometime after she turned 14, and by the ninth grade I had bristled under the control so much that my parents let me transfer to another school – a school that I lasted one year at before headed to public school where people were sane. This is not to say that the education I received at the Christian schools was sub-standard, just that the rest of it became too much and it was time to move on. I thank my parents a LOT for letting me do so.

All this came back though in a rush when I heard the story of Tyler Frost and his prom date, Rebecca Smooty. Tyler attended a Christan School that sounds much like the one I attended, while his girlfriend went to school elsewhere. When Rebecca asked Tyler to take her to prom, he of course said YES, because he is a smart boy. As a direct result, the officials at his school, Heritage Christian School in Findlay Ohio have suspended him, given him an incomplete for his exams, AND banned him from his graduation.

All for something that happened OFF THE SCHOOL GROUNDS.
All for daring to hold his girlfriends hand.
All for listening to the music and dancing.
All for “attending a function where girls wore short skirts”.
All of which happened OFF THE SCHOOL GROUNDS. (Yes, it bears repeating!)

The schools officials have graciously said that he can complete his final exams separately and get his diploma – after the school year ends.

I’m sorry – but this is utterly ridiculous. Once a child leaves the school grounds they are the responsibility 100% of their parents, NOT the school or it’s officials. The church/school has no right to dictate that he not attend another schools function, or insinuate that something improper is going on because he dared hold hands with his girlfriend. Its not like he was part of an orgy on the dance floor, for fuck’s sake!

I hope to HELL his parents are going to help him fight this, and that he gets to walk for his graduation. To ban him from it is absolutely unfair, and part of the reason folks think Christianity is full of sanctimonious wackjobs.

…wonder how many of the schools teachers and preachers have been divorced and remarried? Wonder how many of them hold hands, and wear short skirts, listen to music not of the ‘inspirational’ genre when off the school grounds and dare to bounce to the beat… That’s what drove me away… hypocritical bullshit like this.

Psalm 149:3
Let them praise his name in the dance: let them sing praises unto him with the timbrel and harp.

Stand your ground, Tyler! Stand. Your. Ground!

So, I think I’m sufficiently recovered from my Ham and Chocolate coma to write about it now. (No not at the same time, the chocolate and ham, as that’s not really the same as chocolate covered bacon, which is surprisingly delicious no matter how gross it sounds. I would know, as my Mama gave me some for my birthday and OMG YUM, and I was very sad when it was gone. Could this parenthetical aside BE any longer? /Chandler Bing.)

Where was I? Oh yeah – the surprises on Easter. It was discovered once I went to the store, that the baskets I thought we still had at home had been eaten by the dog last year. Whoops. So the girls got together, worked together, and using PepperMist’s creativity, design, and yarn stash, built their own baskets. Pepper even FINISHED the Pup’s when she went to sleep, so that they’d both be finished in time. (that’s the heartshaped baskets in the picture – filled with carefully shredded and curled paper grass – and more candy than should be legal. *L*)

I know, I was shocked too. Sometimes, I think i can count the times they’ve gotten along and worked together on one hand! It didn’t end there, though, as on Easter Morning, once the Pup left to go to church with Nana, and I had gone to bed for my morning nap, PepperMist got a bright idea – she hid her sister’s new bunny.

I know, you’d think that was mean, right? Wrong! She then spent the time the Pup was at church writing out clues, shoving them into plastic eggs and hiding them. Once the Pup got home, I woke up to the sounds of both girls giggling and running and having a blast as the Pup followed the clues (sometimes with helpful hints from PepperMist) to find her bunny once more.

As noisy as they were? I could stand to wake up like that, to the sounds of them getting along, more often…

Back in the day, I remember how riske it was to snap a picture of myself in my nightshirt and shorts to give to my boyfriend to keep while I was away for the summer. Sure, he’d never seen me in said nightshirt before, and we’d not done anything past a bit of tonsil hockey, but it was the ‘remember me’ type of naughty that I knew he’d appreciate. Also, I knew mom wouldn’t notice or care about a picture where I was basically completely covered in when she went to pick them up from the developers.

Yeah, back in the day we had to send OUT our pictures for developing! Someone in another state would know all our faces and activities – before we even knew how good or bad the pictures we had taken were. With poloroids, it was instant gratification, and I’m sure some bewbs and butts showed up during the course of the camera’s picture taking life. But now?

Now everything is digital. Instant gratification of decent pictures that you can control completely – or so it seems.

You see, Sexting is the new word for sending naughty pictures – from saucy to erotic, from pg to x – via text message to your significant other. The problem with such things is that it doesn’t always stay within the confines of your boyfriend/girlfriends phone. For instance, one 20 year old male, a few years ago, got his 17 year old girlfriend at the time to pose for a picture on his phone. His next girlfriend located it, and sent the picture to the 17 year olds parents. You know what happened then? The 20 year old was charged with child pornography, and now much register as a sex offender! All because he had a nude photo of an ex girlfriend sent from his phone.

Yeah, it’s that serious. While taking a naughty picture seems harmless, many authorities are using the fullest extent of the law to punish such things as it usually involves teenagers – I mean child pornography? That’s harsh, folks. Some more stories:

– An Ohio teenager sent nude pictures of herself to a boyfriend and when they broke up, he sent them to other high school girls, who harassed Jesse Logan. The ordeal sent her into a spiraling depression.

In July, 2008, Logan hanged herself in her bedroom. She was 18.

– A 19-year-old Polk County man was accused of sending naked pictures of himself on his cell phone to a 14-year-old girl’s cell phone. Ronald Eugene Steward made his first appearance before a Polk judge this week and was ordered held under $105,000 bail.

– Over the weekend, Pinellas County middle school teacher Christy Lynn Martin, 32, was arrested on allegations she sent naked pictures of herself to the cell phone of a 14-year-old boy, an eighth-grader at Azalea Middle School, where she worked.

She was released this week after posting $20,000 bail.

So what do we do? Well, the obvious is that we need to talk to our kids – let them know what could happen, and what kind of limits we expect them to adhere too when taking pictures on their phones – swimsuits ok? Not ok? All covered up, all the time? ABSOLUTELY NO NUDITY EVER – better safe than sorry, right?

It’s important that you talk to your teen so that they understand the ramifications. Just because they think it won’t happen to them, doesn’t mean it can’t happen at all. Kids get jealous (adults too!) and vindictive, and things go wrong. The only actions that we have complete control over is our own – so play it safe.

Leave the naughty pictures to the poloroids.
(Yes, I know they’re no longer in production. That’s kinda the point!)

I’m not the best housekeeper, much to my mama‘s dismay. (Have you entered her contest yet? Hurry!) Things pile up, we sift through piles, we rearrange them, we sometimes (rarely) toss them, its.. well. Let’s just say I’m a packrat that married a packrat, and we both possessed the “bah, who cares” gene which we, of course, passed down to our children.

But sometimes, enough is enough, and I find myself willing to do ANYTHING to get their rooms cleaned. Anything.

About a year after my husband died, the Boy decided that he wanted to move out into the “Manspace” and claim it as his room. The Manspace is 10×12 glorified shed that we built so the hubby and his friends could hang out and drink beer without driving me insane with their antics in the living room. It gave us space to call our own, and probably was the smartest thing I’d ever agreed too in our 15 years together. I wasn’t surprised the boy wanted to make it his own – nor was I shocked that the girls were WAY excited about it, as they’d then end up with their own room for the first time since the pup was born.

So he moved into the Manspace. And quickly it looked like a bomb went off inside, as OMG. What a mess! Remember the bravest girl, ever? Yeah, that was the last time it was really clean.

But all that is about to change. You see, he texted me (I AM SUCH A COOL MOM!) to ask a question, and I laid some pretty serious rules down on him before I’d say yes. The Manspace had to be cleaned and kept clean. He had to remember to make sure his door was closed, he had to take care of things ON HIS OWN. This would be his responsibility – NOT MINE – he was to handle ALL THINGS NEEDED in order to make it a success.

He agreed.
Wholeheartedly.

Meet our newest family member:

Understandably, I’ve mixed feelings – from “aw, cute” to “i do NOT wanna have to take care of it!” – but like I said, sometimes you’ll do ANYTHING to get them to clean their room. Sigh.

PS. He’s still without name – suggestions?

Ever since my kids hit school age – or old enough to interact with their peers, their siblings, their cousins and were old enough to understand – I’ve tried to impart one very important lesson to my kids. It’s really very simple, though it’s a very important concept that a lot of kids never really pick up on. If I can make sure that my kids UNDERSTAND and BELIEVE this bit of wisdom, then I’ve done my job.

It’s deceptively simple.
It’s just this:

The ONLY thing that you can control, is YOU, and your reactions to other people and situations. Period.

Inorite? It’s something so simple, that it amazes me when the teenagers don’t understand it. There will always be people and situations that are upsetting, or hard to deal with. We can’t change other people – we can’t be the ones to fix them. All we can do is make sure that WE handle the situations that arise with patience, dignity, calm, and intelligence. We can’t control how other people react to anything, or how they treat us – only how we in turn react to them, how we treat them.

It’s deceptively simple, but also something very hard to put into practice. I should know, I’ve been working on it my entire life, and I still have problems sometimes. It’s a lifelong process, and why I started to work on it with my kids at such an early age.

And I’m not the only one that gives out this advise! I mentioned Hey, Josh once before, and still, Josh = Awesome! His most recent short film, 8:22, tackles the age old problem of “What do I do about my parents?!” It answers the question sent in by teens, whose relationships with their parents are awful, and asks what to do about it.

As always – there is some REALLY good advice in there. So don’t skim over the pretty youtube! Check it out – and send it to a friend, or family member who may need to hear it too.

…and now? Neither does SHE!

You see, I was raised by a Trekor and then I married a Trekie, so I really had no say in the matter. And for those uninitiated – a TrekOR is a fan primarily of the original series, while a TrekIE did not become a fan until TNG – The Next Generation.

I remember spending hours, days even, watching the original series with my dad. For a few years there, all he asked for as gifts on Christmas and his birthday were copies of the episodes of The Original and TNG on VHS, and then on DVD. Sure, we got him other things too, but every trip to the “Big City” saw us with Episode Number lists in hand, scouring the Big Book Stores for the latest video tape releases. It took us about five years, but soon his collection was complete – and even included a few DVDs from Deep Sleep Nine.

(BTW – That’s how you know a REAL Trekie. Deep Sleep Nine = Deep Space Nine, which didn’t GO anywhere, so how could it be a voyage to “go where no man has gone before”? Also – did you know that the original line is as previously stated, and was changed to be “PC” for TNG to read “where no ONE has one before”? I told you – I had NO CHANCE as a child…)

Yes, we also watched Voyager – if only because Six = HAWT, though at least they were once again GOING SOMEWHERE – though we never succumbed to the Enterprise series. Needless to say, we’ve also seen, and own, every movie, somewhere within the family – they get passed around, and shared. I might even admit to the fact that I might possibly have a poster of Marina Sertis, autographed at a Star Trek Convention that I may or may not have attended, and also Marina Sertis = short but really cute in person. I assume.

What I’m saying is – I had no chance.

But in no way shape or form did I expect what came out of my daughter’s mouth last night. Here we were, Me and Papa, making plans for a movie night for the opening of the Star Trek movie – with the OMG HAWT new Kirk and SYLER as SPOCK and can you HEAR that? My Nerd is totally showing – as the opening night is right around Papa and Nana’s wedding anniversary. Then it happened. I turned around and told my daughter she’d have to babysit her sister, so we could watch Star Trek – and she said…

“Star Trek? Gross.”

Gross.
GROSS?!

Sigh. I called her Papa right back, and he was MORTIFIED! We’ll fix this though, we will. Even if it takes days of Star Trek Marathons. After all…

Resistance is Futile.
She will be Assimilated.

PS – Mama’s having a contest – check it out!

Proof positive that 1 – she’s fine, and 2 – I’m doomed.

Exhibit 1, yesterday evening:

Me: So – how was your day? The boys give you any grief?

Pup: Was good, and not really, well kinda – see they were all up in our space and stealing the ice chunks we were collecting on the playground.

Me: ‘all up in your…’ wait, what? …ice chunks? You were collecting ice chunks?

Pup: of course. it’s what we do. Duh. So anyway, I did my lil thing so the teacher gets them in trouble without me being a tattle tale…

Me: …you have a ‘lil thing’?

Pup: well YEAH. Duh. You see, you stand up and then make your face go all sad like this, and then you just walk slooooooooowly past a teacher. And then their all like ‘What’s wrong?!’ and you just tell them an say ‘but I don’t wanna be a tattle tale’ and BOOM! Teacher takes care of it and no one thinks you tattled at all because you didn’t really because you just answered the teachers question and that’s the way it works.

Me:….expert manipulator at 9. Doomed.

Exhibit B, 7:30 am this morning:

Me: So you’re going to aunties after school right?

Pup: Yup! Pizza/Movie night! Auntie said!

Me: Here’s your bus pass. And call me when you get to Auntie’s so I know you made it ok.

Pup: Why, because the roads are icy still?

Me: No, because I like knowing where you are every moment of the day.

Pup: Oh. in that case. I’m standing by the door. Now Papa honked, so I’m opening the door. Now I’m RUNNING AWAY FROM YOU! And Mom? NOW I’M GETTING IN PAPA’S CAR, OK? And now we’re driving away… and now… (fades)

Doooooooomed.
Absolutely doooooomed.

We talk about sex around here. A lot. Mostly because I’m as bad as the kids and have the mind of a 16 year old boy, but whatever. Some folks think I’m nuts for the way we talk and joke and laugh about the “sensitive subject” but I just counter with the fact that at least MY kids ARE TALKING. Not only that, they’re talking to ME, and trust that I can give them the information they need, or at least point them in the right direction. And well, the teenagers – they are FUNNY.

Take today, this instance. It seems it’s time for the 9th graders in health class to dive into the Sex Ed sections of their book. Yay! The girl came home today, and crowed in mock excitement that covers the real ‘omg’ness of having sex ed:

The Girl: GUESS WHAT WE LEARNED?
Me: About SEX!
The Girl: Yes. Today? Today was Boy Parts!
Me: ooooh. ye olde Dangly Bits Chapter!
The Girl: Yup, and guess what we’re learning TOMORROW
Me: Where they PUT THEM!
The Girl: Wait, what? They put them in their pants! This is SEX ed, not FASHION!
Me: (collapses in laughter)

See? How can you NOT love these random conversations?! In fact, I’ve decided that for Christmas, I’m going to give each of the teenagers in my house an Sexually Transmitted Disease for Christmas. No, I’m not kidding. Wait, come back! I don’t mean LITERALLY! I mean in Giant Microbe Style. Check them out:

That’s Mono, Herpes and Chlamydia. Aren’t they cute? (Yes, I’m aware that Mono is different – but LOOK at it! It’s so CUTE! And it’s the Kissing Disease!) And hey -if it helps the teenagers laugh, as well as makes them THINK when they see an STD just sitting on their bed, then I’m all for it! Besides, how many times do you get to tell people you’re giving your teenagers the Kissing Disease, and/or STDs for Christmas and have it be a GOOD thing? It’s one hell of a conversation opener, for sure!