Archive for the ‘Sexuality’ Category

Hi! I know, I know, it’s been pretty silent around here, and I am totally 100% to blame. You see, after I pulled my hermit bit, I then did something silly, and got myself a day job. In doing so, I went from spending every waking moment sitting on my (considerable)ass in front of the Computer Screen like a NORMAL person, and instead spend 9 hours a day on my feet in the Digital Photo Lab at our brand new Walmart. It’s been quite the switch, as I’m sure you can imagine, and I’ve been missing my daily games, and doing the unthinkable and actually going to bed at decent hours. Sometimes even before the teenagers.

INORITE?!

But, today? I had to write, because I just got a few text messages from Peppermist that made me so INCREDIBLY PROUD of that girl of mine. She is AMAZING in every sense of the word, and some days, I wonder how she’s managed to grow up so perfectly. And then I take all the credit. Because I’m her mom. And I can. Even if I’m a bad blogger and should have known about this already.

You see, today is apparently a National Day of Silence, to protest against Gay Bashing in schools. Today, across the nation, hundreds of thousands of students took a vow of silence to bring attention to anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment in their schools.

And my daughter? was one of them.

If you only knew how that girl LOVES to talk, you’d know what strength she possesses to take such a vow! She and Micki wore signs all day today, and though she’s going to the movies after school with the Twins, who would like her to talk after school, she has decided to continue on because according to her text to me: “That’s not the point, to just do it during school. I’m not going to stop until tonight.”

Damn, but that girl makes me proud to be her mom! So tell me, what will YOU do to end the silence?

Yesterday, a friend of mine twittered that she’d come across a question from a 14 year old who wants to have sex – and wondered what to say to her. Knowing my answer was going to be way more than 140 characters, I asked if I could broach the subject here, instead. Randi graciously agreed.

Now, a couple disclaimers – the question was asked anonymously on an advice site, so there’s some differences as to how I’d answer, vs talking to one of my own teenagers, but the gist of it remains the same. Also – you know me, my greatest sermon is to TALK TO YOUR KIDS, not to push abstinence. That said – what would I say to this 14 year old?

First, after praising them for taking the time to think through the decision, and ask advice because that shows signs of maturity – I’d ask the all important question: Why?

Why do they feel the need to have sex right now? Is it because all their friends say they’re doing it/have done it/will do it soon? Is it because they have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Is it because they WANT a boyfriend girlfriend? Do they feel said boyfriend/girlfriend will leave them if they don’t? Have they thought about the consequences, are they ready for an emotional bond, is this just a whim, or because they feel it’s something they need to do – and why do they have that need?

The important thing here, though I know you’ll want to pepper questions at them rapid-fire, just the way I typed them, is to let them talk to you, let them tell you the answers, and don’t judge them/fight against the answers when they come. You want your teens to be honest with you, which means you have to accept the answers they give. If they fear that their boyfriend/girlfriend will leave them, that relationship is doomed anyway. They won’t want to hear that – so make sure, make SURE they know you are not judging them. Sex is not a way to get/keep any relationship, and that’s an important point to get across to our teens.

We may not always remember – but we all had the same urges at the same age. It suddenly seemed like EVERYONE was having/talking about sex, the hormones were going wild, and that guy/girl in science class smelled REALLY good. Our bodies were suddenly in overdrive, and our mind didn’t quite keep up. Rational thought suddenly seemed the myth, and that feel good moment was within reach…

But as we learned, and as our teens will have to learn too, that feel good moment is just that – a moment. An important one, and one that they need to think about ahead of time and make sure they’re ready for the responsibility that comes with sex. That means open and frank talks about STDs, Pregnancy, Protection, and even date rape and violence.

If you come across this question anonymously, avoid the pitfalls of judging, and be open to let them ask more questions. Be honest in your replies, and ask the hard questions – they want to be responsible enough to have sex, then they need to be responsible enough to really examine why they want too. If they can’t? They’re not ready. Be open, be honest, be non-judgmental. Chances are if they are asking this anonymously, they fear their parents judging and reaction – so encourage them to be responsible, and to talk to their parents, too.

If your teen comes to you – congrats! You’ve done something RIGHT, so don’t blow it now. Relax, keep the lines of communication open, and answer their questions, and ask some of your own. Listen to the answers, don’t judge them even if everything in your being wants too. They know you’re there for them, so be there.

Then, in both cases, counsel them to get to a clinic stat for birth control options and further education. Immediately. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Go straight to condoms, aisle 5.

(Unless of course, you think you’ll need $200 worth of condoms, in which case MY AREN’T WE OPTIMISTIC!)

(That thud you heard was my mother falling over in a dead faint before she gets a chance to read the rest of the entry. We’ll wait for her to revive. Better, Nana? Here we go. )

If you’ve been reading here for a while, you know I tend to be a snarky little wench and tend to put a humorous (to me anyway) spin on just about everything. Even teen pregnancy. When folks ask me what the average age for a first pregnancy is in my area, I don’t even bat a lash when I say “Sixteen. I was behind the curve by waiting until I was 21!” Because I’m so often a snarky little wench, folks think I’m kidding.

I’m not.

Fact of the matter is, we have a LOT of teenage mother’s in our area, and I know we’re not alone. Even our Governor’s daughter got knocked up, preacher’s kids get knocked up – it’s like it’s almost inevitable, and most parents are dealing with this by closing their eyes and hoping it goes away. They told their kids to keep it in their pants/keep their legs closed once, so obviously they’re in the clear. Know what I call those folks? Grandparents.

Let me break it to you gently: YOUR CHILD WILL HAVE SEX WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT. Not only that? but they will do it WAY BEFORE YOU ARE READY TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT. And also? THEY WILL LIKE IT. Burying your head in the sand will NOT keep your child from getting knocked up, or knocking someone up. The only thing that will do that is education. And I don’t mean the “abstinence only” crap they’re feeding your kid at school. This education must come from YOU, the one source your teenager should be able to trust above all others.

It’s a valid concern. Teen mothers are less likely to finish high school, tend to be single parents, and find difficulty finding jobs that will cover the daycare expenses, let alone everything else they’ll need. Babies born to teen moms also tend to have low birth weights, and other complications – not to mention they’re twice as likely to continue the cycle and become teen parents themselves. This is not to suggest that they’ll be automatically bad parents or fall into this cycle – but the concerns are REAL, and ignoring them is not ok.

But we KNOW the statistics – the information is out there. So why are we so scared to talk to our kids about it?! Wouldn’t you rather have those important conversations ahead of time, rather than trying to shut the barn door after the horses already got out? Sexual responsibility isn’t something that your kid is going to think about all on their own – it comes from having an open and honest conversation with YOU. It’s time to force yourself to take the step from “I don’t want them having sex until married (or an adult)” to a more realistic “I want to make SURE they have the information to protect themselves from pregnancy and STDs if they do decide to have sex.” Studies have proven that if you have these discussions openly and honestly, your teenager will be 20 times more likely to use condoms more regularly – and even 3 times more likely to use the condom their first time.

Not sure how to bring up the conversation? Here’s some ideas to get you started:

1. Start singing “Let’s talk about SEX baby! Let’s talk about you and NO ONE ELSE EVER. And also, here’s a condom.”

2. The next time you go to the store, take your teenager with you. Stand in front of the condoms. Ask them if they think they’d prefer ribbed for her pleasure, or extra lube. Tell them spermacide is the way to go, always. Then ignore their mortified ‘omg i don’t know you’ looks and PUT A BOX IN YOUR CART AND BUY THEM.

3. While taking your younger kid in for vaccinations, bring your older teens with you. CASUALLY drop this into conversation with the nurse: “So, what age to you recommend the first pap smear?” When your teenager as picked themselves up from the puddle of embarrassment, ask for pamphlets. BTW – the answer to that question is “18, or earlier if/when they become sexually active” though they should see an OBGYN for an appointment to discuss contraception options before they take the plunge.

Look, I know it might be hard to broach this subject with your teens – girls AND boys – but it’s part of your job as a parent. So buy the box of condoms. Put them in an easily accessible place, and let your kids know where they are. Let them know that you would MUCH rather them wait – but you’d also rather them have the condoms if/when they need them, rather then NOT have them when the time arises, and that if you discover they are missing, you won’t judge or jump to conclusions, you’ll simply replace them. No questions asked.

Keep the communication lines open, parents. Talk to them. Listen to them. You’ll be glad you did.

I had my first crush when I was five. His name was Jimmy H. and he lived in the house behind us. He was two years older, wiser, and so very handsome – it was destiny that we marry and have many babies that had his dark good looks. We were BFFs and practically inseparable – watching Batman on TV, than acting it out. I of course, was either Batgirl or Catwoman depending, on the episode that day.

I had my first kiss in first grade. While Jimmy H. was still my BFF, there was another boy who lived down the street from me named Doug. He wore a leather jacket, rode a brand new Huffy bike, and was always getting into trouble. He was a Bad Boy, and I was head over heels in love. We played freeze tag. He choose to unfreeze me by kissing my cheek. I was a goner, and thus began my infatuation with bad boys.

I had my first ‘boyfriend’ in 4th or 5th grade. Another Jimmy, Jimmy K. I remember walking the halls all through our recesses at the local Christian School, talking about anything and everything. I still have the necklace his mom made for him to give to me for Christmas that year – it still makes me smile. I cried when he moved away.

My first actual boyfriend came into my life at a sports retreat just before my 15th birthday. His name – unsurprisingly at this point – was Jimmy. Jimmy M. I had my first real kiss that same weekend, and we dated for 2 years. I went on to have other boyfriends, of course, but that’s how it all started.

But there’s some things missing in there, too. I had my first girl crush when I was 10. Her name was Laura, and I didn’t really think about it, because we’d been total BFFs for some time, and it seemed natural and right to want to grow up and share a house and be together forever. I didn’t delve any deeper to see if it meant more than BFF, because I didn’t care. I just knew we’d be together forever. I cried when she moved away.

After that, there was a steady stream of female friends, and looking back now, I can pinpoint the exact time I realized that my girl crushes likely meant I was bisexual. It wasn’t anyone I knew personally, but instead it was Suzanne from the Bangles and one key moment of the Walk Like An Egyptian video. There’s a close up of her eyes, and she looks from side to side on beat, and I’ve never forgotten that image ever. I wanted to stare at her, into those eyes, forever. It was 1986, I was 16 years old, and I never told a soul.

It’s not surprising that I’d choose to keep such a discovery under wraps, considering my background in Christian schools, attending church three times a week, and living in such a conservative town. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever come right out and told my mom that I dig girls, too, (…hi mom! *L*) Though I think she’s figured it out over the years.

So why bring it up now? I ran into an article from the NYTimes today, that discusses kids coming out – as early as Middle School, to their peers, their parents, their classes, their whole school. While there is still a LONG way to go, these students and their families are putting it all on the line to help put a stop to gay-bashing by simply being themselves, and being unafraid to do so. As the article points out, and using my own experience, no one thought twice to ask me if I was SURE I liked Jimmy K in grade school, or if it was just a phase. No one pushed me to identify my feelings, and make sure I liked him, because that is the acceptable norm. So why do we do that to our gay/lesbian/bisexual students of the same age group?

Middle School is a time where kids are discovering their identity, in all ways, including their sexuality. Whether they choose to come out or not at that age, it’s unsurprising that many can pinpoint their first discoveries of sexual orientation at that time, or even a bit earlier. Schools across the country are forming Gay Straight Alliance clubs, where they can meet together – no matter the orientation, and support each other. They understand what should be obvious – you don’t have to have sexual interaction in order to identify your attraction, and expecting our kids to identify strictly as straight because it’s easier isn’t fair to them, or us.

But in some areas, it’s getting better, and that’s where we need to keep our focus. It’s not automatically assumed that being gay leads to a life of loneliness and heartbreak any longer. Schools that would never allow their students to say “That’s so black!” are finally cracking down on the students that say “that’s so gay!” as well. We’re taking steps toward acceptance, and I find that encouraging! We’ve a long way to go, but movement in the right direction should be applauded.

So if your pre-teen/teenager has the balls to come to you and tell you they’re gay/lesbian/bisexual – don’t ask them if it’s a phase, don’t ask them if they’re sure, or how they could possibly know if they’re not sexually active (because that’s just silly, people!). Accept them with open arms, realize that they are STILL your kid, they’re still the amazing individual you’ve been raising all these years. Support them. It will go a LONG way to ensuring their happiness, which is what we ultimately want for our kids anyway, right?

Right! Make me proud, ya’ll!

One of my favorite shirts – and my kids favorite too – depicts a bird and a bee whispering, with the caption above their head saying “We do WHAT?!” It never fails to make my kids giggle, and I get a lot of snickering looks from folks when I parade it around town.

Because, you know, I’m really 12. Or something.

Anyway – I’m sure you’ve noticed that pretty little button there over to the side, the one about My First Period Kit – which you can now buy through that link right there. We featured the kit before, and while it gave Peppermist and myself a snarky giggling fit like you wouldn’t believe, I’m pretty sure I’m gonna get one for the Pup and possibly my Niece too. Now I’ve never been shy about laying it all out there for my kids – but Dr. de Freitas helps those who are a little less open than us, talking in a frank and open way that makes it easy to open those discussions with your girls.

And boys – especially with her new guide for parents – The Birds and the Bees with Ease. In fact, HealthyChats.com is offering a free 40-page Ebook to parents! Dr Chrystal de Freitas based the book on her mother-daughter seminars. She (and I!) feel that by the time those hormones kick in for puberty, the kids should already have the basics down, but a lot of moms at her seminars have never quite brought it up.

Here’s the official Blurb!

“The Birds and the Bees with Ease!” covers which details are appropriate to relate to a child at what age, starting at 5 years old, moving up to ages 6 through 9. The information is also useful for parents who have not yet discussed these topics with children at the cusp of puberty. “When we start the conversation at the appropriate age of 5 or 6, we can leave out all the details of dangers and pleasures associated with sex,” explains Dr. de Freitas. “This is not too early because if we parents don’t initiate this conversation, others – like the kid next door or the media – will do it for us. As our children grow, we can continue to add on more information before they get to their health education class at school. Explaining to children how their amazing bodies work empowers them and keeps them safe. This knowledge is all part of the journey to healthy, responsible adulthood.”

The e-book’s clear-cut chapters tackle topics including: Where Do Babies Come From? and How Do they Get Out?; How are Babies Made?; Sexual Curiosity; Modesty; Touching/Exploring; Foul Language; HIV and AIDS; Puberty; and other vital discussion areas to enable parents to easily have healthy chats with their children.

So head over to Healthy Chats’ The Birds and the Bees with Ease page and download your copy of the Free E-book, today! Don’t forget to check out the other features of the site too – such as Dr. de Freitas’ blog, Q and As for Moms and Pre-Teen girls, and other information for parents and kids alike!

And, like I preach continuously around here – TALK TO YOUR KIDS!
…and provide condoms. Just in case.

With the kids all starting school, at all ages, we’re once again having to trust we’ve taught them what they need to know in order to protect themselves while they’re away from our (often over-)protective grasp. As with everything, I encourage one rule, first and foremost and that is for the parents: TALK TO YOUR KIDS. While some subjects are sensitive, and assault is certainly one of them, it’s a very important conversation to have, and have more than once.

RAINN – the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network – has posted some guidelines to help protect our children from Sexual Assault, and how to talk to our kids about them. We’re surrounded by messages about it through the media, but there’s not a lot of advice about how to talk to our kids. They’ve set up guidelines that are simple and clear, and worth a read. The most important thing, of course, is that no matter how uncomfortable these conversations can be, the important thing is that they happen.

The three Keys that RAINN stress are these:
— Talk to your children about sexuality and sexual abuse in age-appropriate terms.
— Be involved in your child’s life.
— Be available.

We need to empower our kids to say “No” and make sure they feel comfortable coming to us, as parents and trusted adults, if something happens, or they suspect something might. Also, you’ve heard me rant on victim blaming before (if not, stay tuned, I probably will again) – so make sure while you’re talking to your kids, that they know that it’s not the way they are dressed, the way that they talk, or even the way that they walk that attracts the attention of an abuser – the abuser is in wrong, period. Teaching modesty is good. Blaming attacks on a short skirt or tight shirt? Is not.

But in the end – no matter how you go about it, what you choose to say, the most important thing is that these talks happen, so that our kids have every weapon at their disposal for protecting themselves when we’re not around.

PS: Check out RAINN’s back to school tips too! It’s aimed at our college students, but works for our High School teens as well. College aged women are the highest risk for being sexually assaulted. Being aware is often the first step in staying safe!

Got your attention there, didn’t I?

Good Morning America got the same reaction recently as they showed a segment talking about that and young girls passing out sexual favors like candy for gifts or money, and sliding into the realm or prostitution etc. Oh, and the “prettiest girls from the most successful families are the most at risk.” Naturally, it’s shock journalism at it’s best, but that isn’t to say that it’s not happening – otherwise there wouldn’t have been a story at all.

While many of the parents who watched this are now flipping out in shock all over the internets, I think the most telling part of this story is to read the comments that have been left on over at ABC.com. In between all of the Bible Thumpers blaming the devil and the general “Godless Living In America” and flailing about in a moral panic, are some interesting comments from those who are still teens, and who remember their teenage years without viewing them through parental outrage.

Some of the comments that jumped out at me were the parents that admitted to a lot of free lovin in the 60s, others who point out that the age group of the story included 18-19 year olds as “teens” and those “teens” are actually adults, and some of them are even married, and participating in sexual activities with their spouse.

But the most telling is one of the girls who was featured in the segment itself – and she denied doing anything for money, but doing it because she wanted too. And most important thing brought up is the fact that parents don’t talk to their teens about sex!

Say it with me now – ya’ll know my mantra here at PTB: TALK TO YOUR KIDS!

Look, it’s simple. It’s not rocket science. We were all teenagers once, and sex is not something dirty to be swept under the rug. Curiosity is normal, and shoving abstinence down a teenagers throat while ignoring everything else is going to make it a “forbidden fruit” and if you remember ANYTHING about being a teenager – that fruit tastes sweetest.

You want your kids to make smart choices? Then give them the information and tools they nee to have to do so. Don’t sit on the couch with your jaw dropped and shock written all over your face when you hear what’s going on. This has nothing to do with bible thumping, nothing to do with a godless America, nothing to do with a lack of morals. It has everything to do with human sexuality, puberty, and the joy of sex.

So don’t make it into what it’s not. Get up off your high horse and TALK TO YOUR KIDS. Give them the information they need. Be honest about your own experiences because if you’re preaching ‘virgin at marriage’ you damn well had better kept it in your pants until you walked down the aisle. Look your kid straight in the eyes and admit that you lost your virginity while a teen – or not. It wasn’t the best experience – or it rocked your socks off. Be honest about if you were ready or not, and how you felt emotionally about waiting or not. Let them know that oral sex is still sex (after all, it says it in the name!) and talk to them about petting, making out, oral sex, sexual intercourse and how each made you feel from an emotional point of view. Were you ready? Were you scared? Were you pressured? Did you stand firm and wait? How did it make you FEEL emotionally?

Moms, talk to your SONS about how a girl feels.
Dads, talk to your DAUGHTERS about how a boy thinks.

Be HONEST.

Your kids aren’t stupid. Stop treating them like they are.

This entry is BOUND to offend some folks. I’ve warned you before that “normal” and I only bear a passing resemblance. I am not a soccer mom, I’m much more open with my kids than some think wise, and I pride myself in being offensive in many situations. So – if your a prude and the logo to the left offends you, ya might wanna skip this one. We’ll wait while you exit in an orderly fashion.

(insert hold music here)

Alrighty – they’re gone! For the rest of you? It’s time to talk SEX, BABY! What do you mean “again”? This time, it’s not me though, this time it’s all about the Midwest Teen Sex Show.

The Midwest Teen Sex Show is not sex education exactly – but it is “a space for frank discussion of all things related to teen sexuality.” They like to call it sex information, rather than sex education. They present the information in educational and entertaining ways – with insight and a lot of laughter. They’re not promoting teen sex, but they admit the same thing I do – it’s gonna happen. Sooner or later, it will, and it’s MUCH better to have information on all things sexual before making that leap into bed.

And yes, they include a disclaimer, that MTSS is intended for teens and adults, and if your under 18 get permission from your parents, etc.

Here’s the thing though – it’s funny. And educational. And tackles ALL the issues – including fetishes/kinks (Who’s your 16th president!), Prom (Prom babies cry just as loud!), condoms, boobs, hookups, HPV, Orgasms, the Penis, breakups, oral sex, porn, and more. Yes. THERE’S MORE.

I had never heard of this site before and it was VERY much my loss. Last night in a chat, a gal sent me the link (THANKS MYSTIC!), and I’ve been giggling ever since! Granted, I have the mind of a teenage boy, and this site is bound to offend some parents, but trust me when I say – your teens? Will LOVE it. They’ll want to lick it. Hump it. Have little MTSS babies with it.

Case in point, I called over Peppermist the minute she got home from school, and gave her a choice of videos to watch. We educated ourselves on the Vagina, Boobies (BEWBS!) and The Penis. And we giggled – we outright laughed – we smacked our foreheads in “Oh. eM. Gee!!” a couple of times. But, she learned stuff too. I asked her afterwards if she’d watch more, and she gave it a double thumbs up – and bookmarked it.

So – if you’re a little shy about giving info and talking with your kids but admit teens generally have wacked out senses of humor, or if you’re like me and have the mind of a 16 year old boy – check out The Midwest Teen Sex Show. Sex is funny. (And serious too. But mostly funny.)

PS – as I was writing this, it was announced that the MTSS is coming to a TV near you! Comedy Central has announced that it will be added to their lineup for 2009-10! My kids? are THRILLED!

We talk about sex a lot in our house. I’ve have two teenagers and have never been squeamish about giving detailed descriptions and scarring my kids for life. “You were conceived not as you wish to believe, through immaculate conception, but through sex. FAT PEOPLE SEX.” I’m also the one who gave all the teenagers STD’s for Christmas.

I know, I know, not a “normal” mom, am I? However, for us and our sick sense of humor, it’s clearly working, as my 17 year old and my 14 year old are both virgins still. Which means I’ll let them live a little longer. I’m nice like that.

Thing is, though, I’ve never been one to preach the abstinence trail, other than as an afterthought. My main point to my kids is that I want them to wait until they’re READY, and to be ready and willing to make a mature and responsible decision when they believe they are. The up side to those conversations is that it covers the fact that yes, abstinence is realistic – for a time. And that time is dictated by the teenager themselves, not anyone else.

Bristol Palin’s comment about it not being realistic sparked a lot of comments in the blogasphere. The internets were buzzing, and us Alaskans were once again forced into the limelight. No biggy to me, really. I voted for the other guy – and have a habit of not giving a damn what other people think of me. Anyway, it’s the reactions that have me shaking my head – because honey, there is a lot of victim blaming going on…

For instance, over at Adventures in Parenting, they broach this subject matter in praise of those who have made the choice to wait. Good job teens! I respect that decisions – what I don’t respect, however, is her take on teens that may not go that way. It’s not that she finds it impossible, but that she blames the way the girl is DRESSED, the fact they might see a romantic movie, and then go to a house where no one is home, rather then go on a group date, dress modestly, and play board games with their parents while eating snacks lovingly provided by said parental units.

I’d bet my left arm she’s the mother of a boy.

You see, this is where it starts. This is where you start blaming the girl in the short skirt for getting herself raped, the girl with piercings and funky hair for getting stabbed in the park – who cares that she’s a straight a student, that she doesn’t do drugs, that she is by all accounts A Good Girl who didn’t deserve to be victimized – especially by the media, by the perpetrator’s parents because their preshush baby boy would never THINK of that if her skirt had been ankle length, and matched her turtleneck while they were surrounded by parents and friends, by her friends or by random strangers on the internets.

It makes me angry – VERY angry. So much so that I waited over a week before I wrote this entry, and I’m STILL angry. NOthing there speaks of how the boys might be dressed – thugged out and with bling everywhere or suit and tie, or that sometimes it’s nice to NOT have to drag around all your friends on a date – or that even surrounded by your friends and/or family it is entirely possibly to get your freak on anyway.

No, the blame is on the girls low-rise jeans and tight blouses, the movie industry, and an empty house.

Do I want my daughter dressing like a hoochie mama? No. If she were into style and fashion (she’s a jeans and loose t-shirt kinda girl), I’d do the responsible thing and we’d talk and shop together and find compromises that pleased us both, and remained fashionable. I have little room to talk, after all, since I grew up in the Big Hair Era, with skin tight leggings and oversized shirts cinched with a belt and boys that collected scrunchies from girls they made out with. The point is – I’d talk to her about it, and about what message she wants to send, because she will have no control over how that message is interpreted.

It’s time to put the blame where it belongs – parents who don’t give a shit enough to talk honestly to their kids about sex and teach them to take responsibility for their own actions. It’s time to sit down and TALK TO YOUR KIDS, and quit being so squeamish that you resort to shoving abstinence down their throat as the only option – because if you don’t, don’t be surprised when your Good Little Girl comes up pregnant – like the pastor’s kid from across the street who had her first child a month after she turned 16.

Stop being scared of your kids and the tough talks about realistic subjects, and stop placing blame where it doesn’t belong. Your kids WILL have sex, eventually, whether it be at 14 or 21 or 40, either armed with realistic expectations and information, or not.

Which option do you prefer?

You hear it all the time – hell, I’ve said it more then once myself – when stories like Rihanna and Chris Brown hit the newstands, or any other situations of abuse… especially when the victim returns to their abuser as Rihanna has recently gone back to Brown. We’d never do that, never allow it to happen to us, we can’t believe she went back, etc. Thing is, that’s a very slippery slope that leads to Victim Blaming – if only she’d done this or that, it wouldn’t have happened, and that my friends is a line of pure bullshit.

First, we don’t know the whole story, we only know what’s been reported. I saw the picture that was being posted, and know that there are investigations currently going on, but the facts are that Brown has not been charged as of yet, and even in this is innocent until proven guilty. Do I think he did it? Absolutely. And I hope they can prove it. So why did she go back to him?

There’s a lot of reasons that a woman would go back to an abuser. My mom works in the local shelter here in town, and has written a post worth reading that includes a list of some of those reasons. While the financial reasons and some of the others do not fit Rihanna’s profile, perhaps there are others. She’s a singer, a star, but that does not mean she doesn’t have self esteem issues, or other factors that went into her returning.

It takes an average of SEVEN TIMES before a victim will leave their abuser – that means some leave the first time, others take many more times hen the 7 to decide they’ve had enough. All we can do now is hope that Rihanna is safe, and that her support system is firmly in place so that this doesn’t happen again.

What does that mean to us as parents of teenagers? It means that we need to use this situation to open up conversations with our teens about the dangers of both physical and psychological abuse. Talk to your kids about the code of conduct you expect them to live by, and open the lines of communication so that they feel comfortable coming to you if something does happen. Alert them to the signs, so that they can be aware of the signals in their own relationships, as well as that of their friends. But as I preach over and over again – just talk to them.

My husband suffered a childhood of horrendous abuse, and was living proof that as broken as he often felt, the cycle of violence could be destroyed and stopped within him. It didn’t make our life easy, but it certainly made us aware, and we’ve raised our kids to be aware of the signs and to have the strength to stand up to an abuser. We’ve given them the tools – and pray that they never need them. Most of all, the kids know they can come talk to me about ANYTHING.

So use this, use the situation with Rihanna and Chris Brown not to condemn the story we only currently know pieces of, and not to blame the victim – but instead to teach our kids the signs, to be sure they’re aware, and to make sure the lines of communication are open. We may never know the full story of what happened between them, but we CAN make sure we have a say in the stories our children will write with their relationships.

If your worried about your teen, here are some signs of abuse in a dating relationship, as well as some statistics. Educate yourself, so that you can educate your kids.